Baby weight truth

Ok, so, normally, I'm a pretty balanced person. I'm outgoing and happy. I try not to let the little things get to me. Lately, that's changed, and for obvious reasons (*cough*  baby *cough*) and the issue I keep circling back to is body image.It's serious enough when you're not pregnant, but add a growing baby and waistline and sometimes it becomes difficult not to succumb to low self-esteem.

Don't misunderstand me here. I love being pregnant and I would gladly gain 1000 pounds if it meant my baby would be healthy, but, when I go to my doctor and all I keep hearing is "Oh, 2 more pounds this week," or "3 pounds gained since last time," I can't help but feel dejected. It doesn't help that all the literature I read online tells me that the average weight gain is about a pound per week at this stage in my pregnancy. So, is it any wonder that I feel like a hippo?

The remaining sane part of my brain tells me that I should shove aside all these cares and focus on getting through this last month and then taking care of a newborn, but, the insane parts are a little louder when the shout back the worry and fear I might not lose the weight, how long will it take? Can I do it, what if I get lazy? Etc, etc, etc. It doesn't help that I unfairly pin some of my anxiety on my husband. I think, "God, how unattractive must I look to him?" "Will he still think I'm pretty with all this excess weight?" "What if my body isn't his ideal anymore?" And truth be told, this is the main root of my problems. My husband. I want to be like drop dead gorgeous  after I give birth. I want him to be proud of the hot wife he has who also just had a baby and I want to be that way because I love him. Because, a small part of me, whether you agree or not, wants to give him that; give him the size 4 wife with the banging body and is super hot. It's a dilemma I sturggle with daily. All these fears and wants.

I know that in order to be there for my child I must take care of myself. I won't crash diet or starve myself or any crazy stuff, but do I want the speedy fix like all these celebrities? Heck ya! I also know I don't make millions of dollars a year to afford the chefs, nannies, personal trainers and expensive gyms these women employ. I also know that my career doesn't hinge on my ability to sell myself, my look and my body. Thank God. However, I do wish I could at least experience that quick-fix. I know to lose the baby weight and keep it off it'll take me a few months and that's ok..pace myself and do it right, but, won't there be days when I slack off? When I ignore the fruit and reach for the donut? Of course. And I need to learn that's ok. I can't be 100% all the time. Can I? But, can I embrace my new shape for however long I have it? Can I accept myself and the way I look for the time being? That's the truth I must figure out.

Society tells me I should; it tells me I should be proud of my body no matter what shape or size it is and no matter how many pounds I gain or lose. Easier said than done society. You haven't gained 44 pounds in 9 months. It's not your unfamiliar face that stares back at you from the mirror every time you look at it or the pants that seem to get a little tighter everytime you put them on that you have to wear. Society is right. I think I'm right in feeling the way I do, because it is such a huge change to go from happily married couple to pregnant mommy to be. A WONDERFUL change, but a huge change nonetheless.

As I sit and battle my demons and have you witness it, I know that the truth about baby weight isn't just simple or clean or pretty or beautiful or serene or any multitude or nice adjectives you can think of. It's messy and hard and a struggle and the pressure put on women to always be skinny and groomed and made up affects us pregnant ladies too.  Perhaps more so than our childless counterparts. Jessica Simpson just shot a nude cover for a magazine and she's pretty darn pregnant and she loved it and felt totally comfortable and embraced her whole body. I'll bet you she has her down days too. ;)

I don't mean to sound depressed or disgusted by my own self, I am merely thinking aloud about my fluctuating feelings regarding this issue. I'm healthy and happy and am awaiting the arrival of the single greatest miracle of my life. What's 44 pounds compared to that?  

Insanity

As I've gotten increasingly round, I've become more, how shall I say, objective of my new shape and situation:
1. I am nine months pregnant. That sentence says it all.
2. My weight gain over these past nine months has given me a unique insight into how attractive food really is. ( It is VERY attractive to someone who could rival a Dyson vaccum cleaner in terms of speed of suction)
3. The Pillsbury Dough Boy ain't got nothing on my roundness. ( He does come in a close second, and only because he can produce the most heavenly fudge brownies)
4 . My brain has sadly lagged in the "control Marwa's body" category as raging hormones have forced several shut downs of key sectors such as appetite, mood and bladder control, until further notice.
5. I have lost interest in attempting to feel guilty and have decided to embrace my lovely baby bump.
6. I have surrendered to baby and allowed her to take control of my insides and vanquish her mortal enemies. ( In case you were wondering, these enemies are my stomach, bladder, intestines, lungs and diaphragm)
7. Breathing is over rated. Panting is the new rage.
8. Jessica Simpson is bigger than I am and she's due around the same time I am. ( Mean I know, but alas, I am a female and my vanity sometimes rears it's ugly head)
9. I shall have to by stock in Palmer's Cocoa butter stretch mark lotion and tummy butter.
10. Sleeping is also over rated. Staring at the ceiling and attempting to count diapers is much more fun for me.
11. It's fun freaking out my non-pregnant friends with obscure facts about what happens to your body when there's a human being in it.
12. Going to my OB/GYN is a lesson in humiliation and strength as dignity is sacrificed. ( Ladies, you know what I mean)
13. Dignity itself is also over rated because using the restroom 1983903724 times a day tends to do that to you and damn the social etiquette.
14. Watching shows of women giving birth is my new  favorite thing to do. I can loftily claim what I would or wouldn't do differently than these women. ( I'm so brave...NOT LOL)
15. American Baby Magazine has become my go-to guide.
16. Clothes shopping for baby is much more fun than attempting to squeeze myself into clothes.
17. Daily mishaps of various sorts just make me enjoy being pregnant more and more.

A prayer for you my daughter

As I sit here, nearing the end of my incredible journey with you growing inside me, thriving, developing and gaining strength for your grand entrance into the world, I pray for you my daughter.

I pray you arrive healthy and screaming; kicking with indignance that you had to leave your safe haven inside of me, nestled next to my heart, always with me, never apart. I pray that God give me the strength to deliver you with no complications; to meet you for the first time and grab your tiny little fingers in mine. I will count them, and your toes, just to make sure you're as perfect as can be. I will touch your tiny nose and eyes, your arms and legs and thank the lord above for granting me such a wonderful blessing and gift.

I pray for you daughter I overcome my fear for you that has slowly been developing these past nine months. I never knew I could come to experience such a powerful feeling of devotion, awe and love for someone I have never met. Careful, you're in competition with your amazing dad. =) (Although he is in a class of his own and more than I could ever hope for.) I pray, little one, that no harm comes your way and I pray I am always able to protect you.

I pray that your first few years of life are filled with laughter, fun, health and family. You're so loved already by so many people and you don't know it. Aunts and uncles, grandparents, friends and countless more. I pray you are always happy and giggling.

I pray that as you grow-up, you learn from your father and I about morals and values, right and wrong and ethics. I pray we can teach you to be the kind of woman I hope for you to be and that is strong, god-fearing, open-minded, kind, dutiful, moral and so, so much more. I know there will be temptations and obstacles in your path that you will overcome and others you will fail at and I pray that you always know you can come to me to help and guide you, and that you know, I may learn right along with you.

I pray that I live long enough to see you accomplish all of your dreams and hopes. I have such plans for you baby girl. I know God has something special in store for you and he will ultimately guide you when I cannot, and even when I can.

I pray you remember that God is always watching. He will be kinder and more merciful on you than even I could be and I pray you remember to him you can take all your fears, problems, mistakes and requests and they will, god willing, be fixed and granted. Remember, he is for eternity.

I pray you know that even when I am not with you physically, I will always and forever be a part of you and will love you until the end of time, and, god willing,when we are reunited in Jannah.

I pray that you grow-up knowing your self worth and never let anyone beat you down. I pray you have the strength and will to climb any mountain or hill in your way and lend a helping hand to those who cannot. I pray you never underestimate what you're made of and never let any man, woman or child drag you down. You're beautiful, inside and out.

I pray you one day understand how much I love you and how much I want you to live life. You are my daughter, now, forever.

Be safe child, and remember that there is no greater love on earth than that of a mother for her child.