Little Late, lots has changed

Hi Baby Boy. It's mama. Me. That person you drive crazy all the time? Yeah that's  me. I'm maybe writing you this letter a little  (ok, A LOT) late but hey, in all fairness , you've been occupying my time Malek. You're seven months old today my prince . Wow. Time flew by so fast. It feels like yesterday when you were inside me and I was carrying you safe from the world .I wish time would slow down. Sometimes, I wish it would stop. Stop time, stop at that giggle, that smile, that happy laugh when you see me. I wish I could snapshot all of the moments you try something new or figure out how to be just a bit more independent from me. I even wish time would stop when you're screaming at 3 am and won't sleep because it means I get that much longer to hold your small little hands that won't be little much longer. Time has flown by and now you're SEVEN months old baby boy . Where has it gone I wonder? Time that is. I can't catch up to it and I worry I'm not present enough in each and every moment with you. Could you maybe slow down my big little guy? Could you talk to time and ask it to take its time ? 

 Seven months of pure bliss and exhaustion and tears (both of ours) and a piercing happiness that fills my heart . Your sister and you together, loving one another, that is what joy is . I am in awe EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I am thankful to God EVERY. SINGLE. SECOND . Here's to 70 more years of you Malek. Happy seven months ❤

 I wanted to write you this letter while I was still pregnant with you but from the moment I found out you were there , you've given me lots to be busy with. From the get go you made your presence known. I knew even before any test could tell me that I had you growing inside of me and oh how I prayed you would be a boy . I must have done something right at some point because God answered my prayer for a little boy.  Oh how excited your dad and sister and I were . Especially your sister. She couldn't wait to see you and hold you and have you give her that all important "Big Sister" title.  As for me,  I was just trying to keep up with the both of you . I was also scared beyond belief.  How was I supposed to handle 2 kids ? How was I supposed to raise a son ? A daughter was easy; a girl like me . A son? You thrust me into a whole new told and that is a blessing I will always be thankful for . I prayed for you,  like I prayed for your sister. I prayed that God would always guide you to rightness,  to justice,  to fairness and to goodness. I prayed that God would always bring you back to him if you ever strayed . I still pray the same and will always pray the same . 

The world is so different now . It's scarier and darker but it's also more connected and smaller.  I pray for you as I prayed when you were inside me that you are always true to yourself and honest.  Remember,  honesty natter how hard or how damaging or hurtful it can be , is always the right path . Be honest Malek. 

I pray you always know my love for you . Oh how my heart fills and bursts when I look at you and hold you and smell you.  I wish I could imprint my love on you so you'd always know just how much I love you. When I'm gone I hope you remember just how much.

I pray you always know how proud I am of you.  Every single day. For every single achievement and every single growth you have . 

I pray you become the type of man who stands up for justice and peace and for those who can't stand up for themselves.  Help them . Love them . Be like the prophet Mohamed.  Be kind.  Be loving.  I pray God makes you this always . I pray you're the type of man that is who little boys one day want to grow up and become.  

I pray I have enough time with you to love you and teach you and be there for you to keep you safe and happy.  Oh how I pray for that.  You're such a special little boy already Malek.  So loved by one and all. Just like your sister . Thank God for that. Those people that love you so much ; those uncles and aunts and grandparents and friends,  they are your family and your support system. They are your lifetime helpers and guides and happiness. Should I be gone,  I will live on through them to love you . 

I am rambling now, there's so much I want to say to you and write down for you. I love you . I love you.  I love you always and forever and even when you can't see me or be with me , I love you.  ALWAYS. 

Welcome to the world little big guy. Welcome to your first year of life and all its wonders and challenges for both of us.  Welcome to our family.  We three , now we're four forever more. 

Mommy .❤

14

When I was about 14 years old, I was full of youthful thoughts and dreams and hopes and wishes. Like any normal teenager getting to know who they are and what they want from life;starting to build my character and my personality. I was also full of the enthusiasm and passion for writing and manipulating the words on a page or a screen that my parents told me I had, that I knew I had and that my teachers encouraged me to develop. I thought I was the next Charles Dickens or Stephen King.
Anyway, I had this idea that I would write my own book. A book about my life as a Muslim-American teenager living in the post 9-11 world. I would spend years writing it, until I turned 20. I'd write about my experiences, my life, my hopes and my thoughts. I'd write about any and everything, detailing what it was like to be me in that time period. I was naive and young,but I had a dream. I even started writing it. I think I wrote about a chapter or two..but sadly, they're lost. I really would have loved to look back and read about my life then..how I saw the world and my life. Laugh alot probably =).
I think I would have actually managed to make it into a success someway or the other. Who knows? Point is, I always have been and always will be full of these dreams for myself and things I want to achieve before I die, things that I really want to do, even if only once. Yeah,that's me..and you may think it's silly and stupid and "American"..you don't have to tell me. But I believe in those things and think it's possible. I really am full of a LOT of ambition and desire and the drive to do things...the challenge to accomplish stuff and be successful. You know? I'm itching to get out there and DO. No, this isn't naivete..I wouldn't believe it if you told me. Come to think of it, I wouldn't believe anyone. I just want to get out there and show me who I am and show everyone what I can do. 

Chapter One

I'm sitting here watching a program on T.V. about forgiveness and the ability to be kind unconditionally. These are tenets I was raised on and that I believe in completely, but, they are so hard to put into practice. Why?

Why can't we all forgive and go to sleep at night not angry at anyone? Why can't we purge our hearts of hate and backbiting and revenge?  Why is it so important to be the person who "doesnt give in"? It makes no sense.

Forgive.  Forget. Be human.  Forgive.  It won't matter in the end all that hate and anger; when you're too late or too stubborn or too dead.

Sputter Sputter.

Start. Stop. Start start start. Long stop. No this is not the sound of a car engine spluttering to life.This is my blogging attempt,or, rather, my writing career. I seem to have periods where I blog continuously: a flurry of writing , and an undeniable need to make words appear on the screen. Then, there are the long droughts, the abandonment of the screen and the keyboard; the absolute silence.

It is in this absolute silence that I rediscovered my love for writing. My inherent need to form words; my passion for making whatever I wanted to say in my head magically appear either on a piece of paper or on a computer screen. Admittedly, this past year and a half has not been exactly easy for me to just pick up where I left off and write. A new baby will do that to you. However, I did write in my head. Oh I wrote encyclopedias and textbooks and volumes up on volumes of books. I wrote fact and I wrote fiction. The problem is I wrote it all in my head.

I woke up one day, after writing a particularly lovely novel in my head the night before and, I remember thinking "why am I not writing this down or why am I not typing it up? Why am i letting my passion go?" I looked at my daughter and I was amazed at how much my life has changed and yet how much stayed the same. In fact, I now have so much more to write about. My life is rich with content and my brain itches to form the words and the paragraphs that will satisfy me as a writer. You see, I don't write for you, the reader. I write for me. Please don't misunderstand me, you the reader are an extremely important part of my writing. I think of you constantly when I write. "Will the sentence make sense to you?" "Will you be able to understand what I'm saying?" "Where I'm coming from?" These are all questions I ask myself about you the reader. But at the heart of it all I write for me.

Some people have chemistry. Some people have art. Some people don't know what they have yet. I have writing. I love to do it. I want to make my life all about writing. I have never underestimated the power of  words or their importance within our lives. I have always been in awe of words, of books,of writing,of editing and of anything that had to do with putting letters together to form a word and putting words together to form a sentence and putting sentences together to form a paragraph. Somewhat of a powerful feeling knowing that one word  placed correctly in a sentence can make all the difference to the meaning of what someone is trying to say.

So, you the reader, shall hold me to my plans to make myself write at least once a day. A pledge actually. A Pledge to write something somewhere at least once a day about anything: any topic that I choose. You don't have to read it just check in and see if I have written something. Nudge me if I haven't. Remind me that this is what I love to do.

10 pm feels like 2 am...

Ah, the days of being a night owl are well and truly behind me. No longer is 4 or 5 a.m. an acceptable time to go to bed, and, the luxury of waking up at noon, or one or two p.m. is but a distant memory. Oh the joys of being a working mom; and just a mom in general. Nowadays, I'm ready to hit the hay at 9 p.m. and most often am in la-la land by 11 MAX. I'm on my daughter's schedule now and there's no deviating from that. I'm currently in bed, writing this actually. I'm waiting for the sandman to come fill my eyes with sand. I'm also listening for the cries of a little one not so asleep in her room....

I'm craving a slice of Godiva Chocolate cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory. Oh sweet heaven that dessert should be a sin. Anyone back in htown want to send me a slice? Orrrrrrrrrrr a Pizookie from BJs. That would work too. Hehehehehe my thighs, ass, tummy and legs will one day learn to appreciate all the extra pounds..NOT.

I'm starting the INSANITY workouts cuz this is one mama who has to get moving! Wish me luck. I think there will be A LOT of cranky posts in the future due to the INSANE nature of this workout program..but I did manage to finish P90X so this shouldn't be tooooo hard...but I speak to soon I fear lol.

Good night world!

When is too much, too much?

In the nearly two years I've been here in Egypt, I've run the gamut of emotions from elation and excitement, to depression and disgust. Most recently, my feelings towards this struggling country have stalled out at frustration and, dare I say it, disgust. Please don't attack me for that. I'm merely saying what many of you Egyptians say everyday so for me to have formed the same opinion is no attack. It's, quite sadly, a fact. Why have I stalled out at these two negative emotions? Listing the reasons would take a long time, but a few stand out.

Reason number 1
While many of you may disagree with me and call me extreme or dramatic or anything else for what I am about to list, I am believing this more and more. Egypt's extremely polluted state has beyond disgusted me, it has terrified me,especially since I now have my daughter to think about. She keeps getting sick and her doctor listed the polluted water, food and air as a main reason. As a mom, I'm angry and sad. As a rational person, I'm angry and sad. As a person who's lived here long enough to know better, I'm hardly phased. The garbage in the streets, the bugs in the food, the dirt and smog and chemicals in the air, they all contribute to the countless unnecessary illnesses many kids and adults have here in Egypt. IT'S PREVENTABLE. But, sadly, most of the population cares not. I'm disgusted.

Reason number 2
I dare say the traffic. I'm used to rush hour and accidents and construction blocking traffic and backing it up, but, here in Egypt, things would go much more smoothly if people followed road rules. I think that most here actually relish in breaking them and doing their own thing, (even if it means possibly killing people, which happens more often then not) and making the problem worse. For example, driving both ways on a one way street means unavoidable disaster. Or, crossing a railroad when it clearly says not to. However, I suppose it's not their fault they're sharing the streets with donkey- and horse-carts, fruit vendors, garbage, pedestrians and parking lots. The point is, breaking the rules makes it worse and dangerous, and IT'S PREVENTABLE, but, no one truly cares. It's sad. I'm sad.

Reason number 3
I've met my share or rude people. People whom I 've gone head-to-head with. I despise rudeness and try my best to not be rude, although I do have my occasional moments when I slip, but, many Egyptians take relish in inflicting their rudeness, mean actions and malice on their fellow countrymen. It's horrifying and the attitude of "it's me against the world" has me gagging. It beats out the shining examples of all the people that rush to your aid to help you when you're in need, or the acts of kindess by strangers. I've seen all those, but then, someone, or some groups, go and destroy that. I can't keep a lid on my anger much longer and I shudder when I think my daughter has to learn to navigate this at a very young age.

Reason number 4
The materialism of this society has become, IN MY OPINION, a cultural pillar. Yes in America we have it too, in spades, but, in the vast pool of people and the middle class, we are hardly ever judged so harshly at school or work or otherwise, by what brand name shoes, socks, clothes, jewellery an d accessories we are wearing. Over here it's like you're either dressed in flags and horse and ponies and intertwined letter handbags and checkered purses ( I cannot type their names, but they are easily identifiable) or you're pretty much just wearing blah. Oh and let's not forget what car you drive, or how skinny or heavy you are...and the list goes on. I know that there are alot of people in the Egyptian society who aren't this shallow or stupid, but, I've seen more of the shallow than I have of the normal.

I am thankful to God that I am here with my husband and daughter and that I live a good life, in a nice apartment with good clothes and food on the table, and, I haven't forgotten it was my choice to move here. This a chapter in my life, written by God, and I do not regret it. However, it's tough and tough and tough. Unless you've made the same move as me, you won't truly understand how tough, because, it's a million little things that pull you down here that get to you. And the thousands of good things that balance it out sometimes are too far in between to remember. In the end,when is too much, too much?  I am happy, please do not misunderstand, but, I miss America and the lifestyle there. It's as simple as that, and, I will continue to look for the good here in Egypt, because, I'm built that way and my husband and daughter deserve that at the very least. Especially my daughter because I want her to always, always see the good and wonderful in any situation or circumstance.

An update a year in the making

My oh my has it been AGES since I've last posted. In fact, the last time I posted was just days before I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl,Nadine. Nadine is just about 10 months old now! Mashallah. She is the light of my universe..and her dad's little angel in disguise. Life with her in it now is so much richer, beautiful and busier than ever...which is why I haven't posted in sooooooo long :). Nadine came into the world on March 26, 2012 at 11:08 a.m. And weighed in at 6lbs 4oz.   She has grown sooooo fast and I cannot believe wheeeere the time has gone. She came back to Egypt with me (obviously) heheheh and has become the apple of her grandparents' eyes here. Needless to say my family and loved ones in Houston are green with envy buuuuuut we are very thankful for skype :D. I am now also working as a preschool teacher and it has been great. I've found my second family at the school I work at. 
There is a lot more to say and update on and much more to blog about. This was just an update on me and trust me, there will be more. So stay tuned as I take on you my roller coaster ride through my life and enjoy. As always, feel free to comment.